While looking over at my shelf, I noticed a few things. I found some old gaming magazine from the early-late 00s out there. So I took them out and looked over them. Wow, boy was that a blast from the past.
And yet I felt so odd reading them - it felt like I was literally reading something completely different than today. Granted, it pretty much was, but it was just something else written in the articles.
No, it wasn’t the fact that these ads were talking about some game that, by today’s standards, is incredibly dated like it was such a new thing. No, it wasn’t seeing people discuss an early trailer for a game that featured footage that was literally not in the final game at all. (See: Shadow Hearts Covenant. Early trailer showed NICOLAI as the protagonist, literally in Yuri’s place.) No, it wasn’t seeing people use different slang.
Perhaps the biggest difference after looking at gaming journalism then and taking a look at what passes for it now? Video games.
That’s literally all they were talking about. Here’re some things I noticed:
I mean, I found it odd - I thought it was weird when I saw an article in a video game magazine about video games. Nothing about “This game is sexist”, nothing about identity politics, nothing about supposed nepotism in the industry, nothing about attacking gamers (aka their readerbase), nothing about shaming people for liking something… literally just talking about video games.
I mean that’s kind of odd - looking at sites like Rockpapershotgun or Kotaku these days and you don’t see a whole lot about video games. It’s mostly clickbaiting - people who just want attention. They don’t care if there are huge flame wars erupting, they just want you clicking their articles because they get money.
There wasn’t anyone -demanding- that certain characters with identities get represented… they were just demanding that the censors stop trying to “hide” things they felt the audience couldn’t handle. (Wow, it’s like they respected something called “Artistic freedom”. Whatever happened to that?)
The oddest thing overall? Video games. I was reading a magazine about video games… that focused primarily on video games.
Whatever happened, gaming? Why do you guys only stir up shit?
Hello, are you new to online gaming? Well you will need a few things - you know you got an internet connection, a game, and a functional system. Sometimes a subscription service.
Online gaming can be quite scary to newcomers. With it, you can’t just play with people nearby you, you can play with anyone from all over the world. You can play with someone who could be sitting in the middle of Thailand or even South Africa for all you know. Everyone’s welcome in the online community - we’re always looking forward to seeing new faces.
…whoa whoa whoa, wait a second, are you from Brazil, or Russia? Get out.
Ah, so you’re ready to play a game? Games can come in all different kinds - we have games where you play a certain role, like in a tabletop gaming scene. Just make important note - the class you inevitably pick will always be the weakest one. Every other class will be OP - except for the class you actually pick. You always have the absolute worst luck - you can pick from any random class on the list, and will always pick the worst class in the game.
You can later use this as a weapon against the people who are so bad at gaming that they have to play a class that’s blatantly overpowered. If you outperform them, then you can brag about how terrible they are because they’re picking an overpowered class and they still can’t outperform you. You and your awesome skills.
By the way, nobody actually speaks l33t anymore. Unless you wanna look really really dated. L33t sp33k was cool in the 1990s but now everyone just types in abbreviations and regional slang. Don’t expect to be told what all the jargon is - you’ll have to figure it out for yourself. Because one important rule of online gaming is never tell anyone how to play the game. Never offer any help beyond an incredibly vague “Suck less”. Make sure that you provide as hostile an environment for newcomers as possible, and then wonder why the newbies may try the game out, but never actually stay and go for a “noob” game where they won’t be kicked from a noob game or being a noob.
You must also make absolute sure that this game that’s just as popular if not more popular than your game is your acceptable target. During in-game chat, bring up how much you absolutely hate this game as much as you can .Whenever someone mentions it, make absolute sure to say all sorts of mean, terrible, and nasty things about it and the people who play it. Use it as an insult. Before you learn to love online gaming, you have to learn to hate.
Oh, did you pick a game where factions dook it out over something? Just make absolute sure that you pick the one that the developers favour - sadly there is no way to know this ahead of time. Because the faction that the developers love and favour all the time is ALWAYS the one that you did NOT pick. And when you decide to reroll and join that faction, then suddenly all these advantages that faction has will completely evaporate because the devs now like the other faction. This is entirely normal - and almost everybody does it.
Make absolutely sure to try and take away your opponents’ sense of victory whenever they do win. Are they of another faction? The developers like them better. Are they playing too well? Then they’re aimbotting. Did their team communicate very well with each other, while your team was too busy fighting each other? Then they only won because your team was full of idiots. Did you happen to have a rather off performance? Then they lost because you were off and you would normally have floored them - or maybe you were lagging.
Lag, lag lag. It happens. But only to you. Your teammates never lag. If they missed a skillshot because they lagged at the worst possible time, or disconnected? They’re lying - they did it on purpose. Did your opponent lag? Then they just stood there going ‘duuuuuh’. Did they disconnect? Then they ragequit - bask in it.
You have to learn to be that school bully who feeds off of other peoples’ discomfort and anger. Try to trash-talk your opponent as much as possible in hopes that they screw up. This is entirely normal - and EVERYBODY does it! That is, when they’re not too busy fighting their entire team.
You’re part of a team, but don’t ever actually act as one. We all know that everything is awesome and everything is great when you’re part of a team, but always make sure to go lone wolf and yell at the rest of your team for not helping you or not carrying the rest of the team to victory. Be ready to go in for an ambush, and then yell at your team for not supporting you even though you never told them your cunning plan. Dont’ bother to defend that person whose role it is to keep you alive, and never actually try to accomplish any goals.
There may be certain tactics that might develop controversy. Maybe some people think it’s cheap because if you do them, you’ll easily turn the tide of the match. Remember - the point of PvP isn’t to outplay, outwit, or outlast - it’s to put your opponent at as big a disadvantage as possible. If your opponent manages to do this on you, it’s OP and “Cheap”. But it’s perfectly okay if YOU do it - then your opponent just sucks.
In case you haven’t figured this out yet, Online is very SERIOUS BUSINESS. Pretend that every single match is you being trapped in some kind of saw-like torture device. If you win, then you or a loved one gets to live, but if you lose, then you will face a gruesome injury at the hands of this device. These pathetic scrubs don’t understand the game on as deep a level as you - and when they lose, act like they just cost you your job, money, and your life. Even if they say “It’s just a game don’t get so worked up over it”, make sure to tell them that this is a game you spend your own time playing and that they are ruining your recreation time.
Gaming isn’t about winning, losing, or playing the game - it’s about winning. That’s the only thing that matters. If you’re having fun, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!! Having fun is the absolute worst thing you can do in a game that’s made to be enjoyed - if someone is having fun? TAKE THAT FUN AWAY. Chase that pathetic loser out of the game - because you may only have fun in YOUR WAY, and it’s YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!!!
One other important thing about gaming is the official forums - or as I call them, the Bitch Board. You must make sure that you never ever tell the developers that you like their game - even though you’ve invested hundreds of dollars in microtransactions and still care enough about the game to deliberately seek it out. Make absolute sure to constantly post about how terrible you are at the boards - because the people who actually enjoy the game are too busy PLAYING IT to go bitch about it on the internet. Spend more time complaining about exceedingly petty things in the game than you do actually play it. Offer suggestions that are either impractical to place in or aren’t even well thought out - and maybe your post will be drowned out by the millions of people who do nothing but bitch within thirty seconds.
The board may be full of people who actually do like the game, but they’re pretty rare. They may post some interesting ideas that might be worth considering, but since the boards are always full of people whining, they’ll never actually get implemented. Don’t be surprised when the community manager just throws up their hands and says “I quit” or if the devs refuse to go anwyhere near their fans unless they have a ten foot pole with a spear at the end - this is perfectly normal for devs to hate their users. The average gamer is physically in their 30s but mentally 12 years old anyways, and have become spoiled by having grown up when gaming was just becoming new and all the devs were catering to them - they’re still learning that there are other kids out there with different tastes and want Daddy Game Dev to laugh at the “I’m a little teapot” routine that got them giggles when they were four.
Online gaming is a very scary place, but after this you now know exactly what to expect when you’re getting into online gaming. It’s quite fun, even though you will never hear anything positive about it.
Social Justice Wario wakes up. He has a warm bed, and doesn’t sleep in a tent, he lives in a house - all thanks to these evil cultures taking on the habit of using a permanent residence, as well as the design of a house.
He turns on the computer - powered by electricity, because the greedy culture with the people who discovered it and powered it decided not to keep it to themselves, and thought to share it with other cultures who loved the idea of harnessing electricity. He uses a computer - not only because a culture decided to adopt the use of a computer (seeing it more practical!) but also because it helps pay his bills. He uses an OS that was written by somebody else that was not his culture, and was put together by people of various different backgrounds, including translating it into various languages so that you didn’t -HAVE- to know the language the programmers spoke. He logs onto the internet and brings up his favourite website, Tumblr - He is able to do this because greedy white people didn’t hog the internet to themselves, and shared it with the rest of the world.
What is it he sees on Tumblr? He laughs at a picture of someone’s LEGO set - Made possible because other cultures that were not Danish liked the idea of the toys. But then he sees something terrible… a picture of white people practicing Tai Chi. The sight enrages him - WHITE PEOPLE. Practicing Tai CHI. They’re learning it! What… why didn’t anybody tell them that this is cultural appropriation. When they do Tai Chi… they disrespect the Chinese culture! What nerve!
It angers Social Justice Wario so much - he clicks on the reblog and adds a comment. He types on a keyboard - which was made possible due to multiple cultures taking the idea and applying it. He types a statistic of the chinese people who died over the years - He doesn’t type it using a different number system, he uses Arabic Numerals, which themselves even have Indian numerals all thanks to the various cultures who thought they were more practical and intuitive than the number system they use. He continues to type his angry tirade about those insensitive white people - Tai Chi will become FORGOTTEN all because of these wicked greedy white people who practice it. Suddenly, he receives a text message.
He picks up his phone, which is a Nokia model. It’s available in the market of his home region all thanks to the wicked people who thought to market a Finnish company’s product outside of Finland. He notices that he has received a text message from his friend who lives in another country. Thanks to the EVIL cultures taking another peoples’ language, they are able to speak the same language thanks to it being available to learn, and even taught in their schools. He gets back to the tirade after stopping to text him back - before suddenly remembering, he had to take his antibiotics. Thanks to a group of culturally insensitive scientists, marketers, and his politically incorrect government, a compound derived from a fungus is available in the area of the world he lives, so he won’t suffer long from his illness.
After he finishes posting his tirade, he reblogs another post full of GIFs from Studio Ghibli’s Howl’s Moving Castle.
Kohls had a Memorial Day sale today - so maybe I can get something for cheap since I’ll get $30 off if mom uses a coupon.
But guess who else is in here! Yep - you guessed it: A Rabbit Family! Obviously the kids aren’t in school - but it’s Memorial Day so I can excuse that.
We have the parents who’re busy looking for the best deals, and their children.
-Pulled Out / Maniac Magee!
You can guess what this one does. Their body secretes a greasy lubricant that keeps their parents from ever managing to get their hands on them, supplementing their improbable running skills. this greasy lubricant also has another purpose - to absolutely mess up anything they touch and coat it in a disgusting greasy film that possibly came from their nose!
-Broken Condom / Enyo!
While Maniac Magee was born with the ability to secrete a fluid, Enyo was born with a different gift: The power of destruction.
-Forgot-The-Pill / Lil Linda Blair
Forget the witty description… you can figure out what this one is.
-Forgot-The-Ring / Stinky
You can guess what this kid’s superpower is. This kid here is the oldest… and he’s not like the Angel from episode 1. Oh no - this kid here takes Death Cloud in a Can-I mean Axe Deodorant and uses it as a substitute for actually TAKING A BATH.
-And Patch / Catman.
This kid is the equivalent of “angel” - mostly in that he did not contribute to the utter destruction of property like Enyo, Lil Linda Blair, or Maniac Magee. Instead, Moonwalker was just an EXTREME klutz due to their obsession with walking backwards. If anything, Catman’s special superpower was the power of the Cat - the powers that include offscreen teleportation and to suddenly appear RIGHT IN YOUR PATH.
I am looking around in Kohls, and I witness The Incredibles enter. In fact I don’t realize that Catman is supposed to be theirs until after Stinky nearly trips on him and screams a rude name at him. Boy - this is going to set the tone, huh? Lil Linda Blair can’t be more than three years old. AT first, she actually behaves herself - now keyword being at first. Stinky just goes and looks around at everything, while Maniac Magee starts running laps around the store, smearing her greasy hands over everything. I go to put on some shorts in the men’s fitting room section and recoil in horror as I realize she has run into the MEN’S Fitting room and smeared her greasy disgusting hands all over the doorknobs. YUCK. I find several other articles of clothing that have handprints and gee, I wonder WHO THEY CAME FROM… (Seriously what are you feeding that girl? Do you just rub her with Vaseline or Scooby Lube?)
At first, I do not notice Enyo’s destruction until I leave the fitting room (after hearing a banging noise) and notice a stand has completely fallen down. However, I finally notice catman is nearby after he suddenly appears out of the shadows right into my path. I notice Enyo puts her hands in neat organized clothing piles and absolutely destroys them - but maybe, let’s be fair, she’s actually trying to help by looking for XXL for her father who is too busy clearance diving for pants (Why bother? You can’t keep them on anyways) and simply is a bit of a klutz. Or maybe Catman appears in her path and she falls down trying to avoid running into the sudden person in her path. Whatever the case is, I see a worker cringe as she walks by an aisle… but at least she cleans herself. By this point I imagine that Maniac Magee has gotten her hands on the Body Butter.
And then came the screaming. Mom does NOTHING. This isn’t nearly as bad as Babby from episode one who just screamed “EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” at the top of her lungs the entire meal - this sounds like painful cries. And you can guess what Lil Linda Blair did. Yep.
A store employee comes over and tells the family they need to leave because of the mess their kids are making. Then there is another banging noise followed by a girl shouting “SORRY!” and a kid’s laughter - presumably Catman has pushed Enyo into a pile of shoeboxes, resulting in its destruction.
I don’t kno what it is about this town that attracts so many people having like 4-6 kids, especially clueless parents who should have stopped at one. But you can witness it all the time. I do hope that they forced the parents to buy all the clothing that Maniac Magee ruined.
And I think Catman may still be in the store - or maybe he just appeared in the carseat that someone was about to sit on.
tl;dr: CONTROL YOUR FUCKING KIDS.